girlfacedana: March 2009

Toddlers and Tiaras-ever heard of it? I watched it tonight for the first time and I must admit, I felt slightly perverted. I became the creepy voyeur who frequently appears on Law & Order for doing such. I witnessed these young girls-some barely out of Pre-K-change, apply makeup, prance and dance through clouds of glitter and Aqua Net. One can imagine the prison letters received by these pageant princesses, and how many are posted on the Frigidaire at home.

Most of the girls, it seems, cannot walk without tripping in their two inch saddle shoes complimented with Lacy ankle socks. The sequined costumes probably cost well over $200 each, and yet, a $40 Capezio tutu bedazzled would hardly show a difference. In fact, every outfit worn by the young contestants resembles something the New York Cit Ballet might use for a production of The Nutcracker. Furthermore, these ensembles most likely arouse a number of fetishes among pedophiles and Barbie collectors alike (I suppose both go hand-in-hand, who wouldn't want their own Skipper of the flesh, anyway.). And the only thing thicker than their eyeliner is the girls' accents. You just KNOW these girls are one family buffet franchise away from living in Paradise Valley Trailer Park It's a strange dichotomy: the young ladies come from super-wealthy families who spend thousands on pageants and yet, they are also some of the trashiest. Not "trashy" in a typical white trash sense, but through their attitudes. These bitches are rude! I can't wait to see their Sweet 16's via MTV.

The only thing more nauseating than the borderline kiddie-porn aesthetic of this lifestyle are the stage moms. These mothers are entirely submerged in their daughter's "hobby." It is no longer an activity for them, it is an obsession. A typical pageant mother spend hundreds of dollars on coaching to prepare their daughters (and in case you were wondering: yes, boys also participate in Junior Miss pageants. Is it just as precocious? are either? It makes me weep for "man"kind.) for her shining moment. Until the Next "Little Miss [insert generic title for "beauty" here] pageant rolls around, that is. Throughout the show, the viewer can see the mother gesturing wildly in the audience for her daughter to mimic during the performance. You know, because I guess a 2-year-old has not developed the brain capacity to remember her mock-tap routine yet. Who needs a choreographed routine anyway when you can wear three layers of falsies (eyelashes, you pervs) and clip-on hair extensions?

Alas, the finale has arrived: the moment in which we discover who has enough charisma in her 46 lb body to win the grand title. From viewing a single episode (will I watch again? I'm not sure...would I end up on a sex offender registry?), I have learned that it is best to not be crowned initially because the highest title is granted at the very end, as are most "prestigious" awards. In this particular episode, a future Penthouse centerfold won her sash and tiara too soon, and even though her title was Queen, she was very disappointed. Regardless of the "I'm smiling on the inside" she pouted to the camera (I agree with Meredith: this clip is so going on the latest Soup episode.)I knew she was not pleased because she had already taken off her crown. A crown bigger than her own head. Seriously, I was hoping equilibrium was not there, so she could fall off the stage. Nothing beats watching a little kid fall-and this show has plenty 'o spills to offer.

Jonbenet-who?