I woke up today in the most agonizing pain of my fertile life. I had begun that wondrous womanhood journey that is shedding uterus lining and having it seep from between your legs. Nature at it's grossest. I exclaimed-quite audibly-"Jesus Christ motherfucker holy shit...." and some other nonsensical babble that can only result from your fallopian tubes shanking your innards. I took some ibuprofen, but two hours later could tell no difference. As I paced the living room trying to get blood flowing in other parts of my body, I began to feel well lightheaded. My blood sugar was beyond low and I was going to pass out. Somehow, I managed to make the endless trek of twelve steps to the kitchen where I feebly grasped a bottle of water and took small sips like one of those malnourished youths you see in those Feed The Children ("for just .20 a day...") advertisements.
Luckily, the altitude sickness I acquired from climbing the stairs subsided rather quickly and I was again left with the dull, yet centralized, pain in my lower abdomen. So still in my bed, I could almost feel the dripping blood fall into my sanitary napkin. OMG THAT WAS SO GROSS, Y'ALL! Margaret arrived with my fix of industrial-strength Midol, and just in time because the heating pad on my belly had not adequately done its job andhad began to burn my skin from the high temperature. The medicine contains more than the "normal" recommended dosage of acetaminophen, and I had already popped two Tylenol tablets just an hour prior. I am writing this to you well doped up on OTC pain relievers. And it is awesome. Grammar and fluidity do not matter when you can numb pain for just $5.99.
I am almost positive that this series of menstrual cramps is so intense because of how sick I have been lately. Five days of fever and a loss of voice later, this is the cherry (see what I did thar) on top of an already nauseating sundae. Of course I would not get ill from having too much fun on New Years, but would wake up with the inability to clot blood while feeling like I have to birth barbed wire.
Luckily, the altitude sickness I acquired from climbing the stairs subsided rather quickly and I was again left with the dull, yet centralized, pain in my lower abdomen. So still in my bed, I could almost feel the dripping blood fall into my sanitary napkin. OMG THAT WAS SO GROSS, Y'ALL! Margaret arrived with my fix of industrial-strength Midol, and just in time because the heating pad on my belly had not adequately done its job andhad began to burn my skin from the high temperature. The medicine contains more than the "normal" recommended dosage of acetaminophen, and I had already popped two Tylenol tablets just an hour prior. I am writing this to you well doped up on OTC pain relievers. And it is awesome. Grammar and fluidity do not matter when you can numb pain for just $5.99.
I am almost positive that this series of menstrual cramps is so intense because of how sick I have been lately. Five days of fever and a loss of voice later, this is the cherry (see what I did thar) on top of an already nauseating sundae. Of course I would not get ill from having too much fun on New Years, but would wake up with the inability to clot blood while feeling like I have to birth barbed wire.
Happy new year!
3 comments:
ow ow owwwww. that was brutally graphic, dana. but really sums it up.
i know its bad to laugh at this horrid pain you went through. but i kind of cracked up at this blog.
That was one of the most intense accounts of pain I have ever read! I'm impressed.
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